It’s been a long time coming, but the site has been long overdue for an update. Even if just a personal one.
You see, every year, on May 1st, I write a post to celebrate the launch of this site. It’s a time to reflect on my progress with the site, to provide updates on where the blog has come, on where I want it to be, or to simply just write about a topic I feel inspired to write about.
It’s a time-honored tradition in which I get to express myself and my thoughts — or it would be, if I didn’t feel so resistant to actually talk about myself… at all.
There’s always just been a wall in regards to writing about anything regarding me. Whether personally, or even something that requires a personal opinion. It’s why all the posts I made to date are informational. But that doesn’t change the fact that one of the most crucial things my site is missing… is me. In more ways than one.
So it’s time to get real, get honest, and get personal.
Personal Update: Adrift
Truth be told, I’ve been going through an extremely rough patch lately. I’m still recovering from a fairly recent move, where most of my games, electronics, and other belongings have been locked away in storage and scattered. Losing my income in the process also hasn’t helped. And being separated from a lifetime’s worth of memories and belongings, with no apparent way to keep them, has been devastating for morale.
Right now, I feel directionless and adrift. I hated the work I did, and it left me feeling burnt out, exhausted, and unappreciated. Professionally, I know I can upskill to something better, but I’m still not certain of any career path of interest.
There have been ideas, sure, but the gap between the ideas and getting into a role seem too hard to bridge, causing yet more frustration on top of the existing pressure.
This is one of the reasons why I started my site, so many years ago.
Crisis of Faith
Of all of the confusion, and all the murkiness, I loved my video games. I grew up in a family that played games, and have had my own collection from childhood. It was the only thing that made sense, and the obvious choice; a path that would be accentuated with other hobbies and skills to make something I would be uniquely skilled and suited for. But now, (and for a long while), I’ve been having a crisis of faith.
Anyone who’s glanced the site can see that I haven’t worked on it in years, and yet, there was always a spark, deep down, wanting me to continue on. These days, I’ve often felt like I should just give up on the site and just shut it down. After all, my things are in storage, and I can’t even set up what I do have since I don’t really have a room I can unpack into.
I’ve been feeling so disconnected from life that I’ve often wondered why I’m even here, and if things will truly get any better. Like everything is just an uphill battle, and I’d rather just throw my sword to the ground and surrender.
Treading the Sludge
It’s always felt like I hit a wall with my site, and truthfully, I have. It’s a mental barrier. As much as I want to continue the site at times, it feels like trying to push back against a magnetic force.
No matter how hard I try to break free and connect the poles between my present and my potential, there’s an inner volatility that repels the two, and no amount of flip-flopping connects them. I want to reach out to my potential, but I feel mentally blocked in doing so. And it’s not entirely from a lack of trying.
I’ve had post ideas drafted and half-written. I’ve kept a list of topics and ideas to explore saved in note apps. I saved and recorded gameplay matches and clips. And I did have a content strategy in mind. Fundamentally, once again, the potential is there, but the inner resistance persists…
I know the reason why I can’t work on my site. I’m the reason. Or more accurately, my own insecurities, false beliefs, and thought loops are.
Getting to the root of these problems hasn’t been easy. It feels an awful lot like digging deep inside of yourself, wading through sludge, and pulling out barbs that have buried so deep that it hurts to uproot it and leaves you raw. It requires honest introspection in such a way that it leaves you confronting unpleasant truths and memories, and asking yourself why you do the things you do.
And since May is not just the month I launched my site, but also Mental Health Month, as well as being so immediately relevant to the blocks on working on my site, I feel it would be helpful for myself, and for others, to be able to read some of my self-reflection entries I’ve started from years ago.
Some of these entries have been written out years ago. Others are still works in progress. All of them have been helpful in recognizing my own patterns and issues, and I do feel it will be helpful for other people to see and relate to. To see genuine experiences and not just curated highlight reels of perfection.
A New Path…?
So right now, despite not knowing where the next step for me really is, I feel it’s time to push forward.
I will be challenging myself to not only finish my self-reflection posts, but to post them onto the site to serve in service for others.
In this process, this will help me to ease back into working on my site. And by delving into my past and posting it here, I feel it both holds me accountable, as well as helps me to ease the resistances I’ve held for far too long.
There is nervousness, but also excitement to meet this challenge. Posting this now, it feels like there’s no going back, and I can’t backtrack on it now. If you wish to offer support, please feel free to leave a comment! But for now, thank you for reading, and thank you all for giving me the subtle push to keep going.
– The Candid Gamer