So, here we are, at the 4th entry of my Self-Reflection and Mental Health series.
I’ve gotten painfully honest about my dealing with Imposter Syndrome, added a Sci-Fi flair to my feeling as though I don’t belong, and exposed the holes in my esteem with the Positivity Paradox. But as I alluded to earlier in Diagnostic Report #2, there’s always been a pervasive feeling of not belonging, which has perpetuated itself into a self-sustaining feedback loop.
The thing is, for the longest, I’ve felt completely and utterly blocked when it comes to talking about myself. And when it comes to my site, it’s been something of a psychic barrier that I haven’t figured out how to dismantle. I’ll feel like I have these grand ideas, and yet, I can’t manage to make myself write about them. Or about myself beyond a superficial way.
This barrier has been up for years, and I haven’t been able to push through it with willpower alone. Which brings me to the most crucial question I can think of to ask… “Why?”
With this entry, we’ll be exploring that “why” by talking to my inner critic. We’ll follow its lead, but instead of just accepting its pointed critiques, we’ll be objectively questioning their validity with every answer, and at every turn. To keep on pulling at that thread until we find the knot within.
So, let’s find the root cause together, shall we?
“Why Can’t I Write About Myself?”
Of all the places I can express myself, my site should be one of the main places I feel free to be myself. After all, this is quite literally my own space! A place for me to talk about the things I like! So why can’t I write about myself?
I’ve determined earlier that I have imposter syndrome, and yet, that alone hasn’t stopped me from typing and drafting… I’ve seen gaps and inaccuracies in other people’s reporting, and it gives me hope that maybe I can contribute something of value.
And while I may not feel qualified to write reviews yet, that alone hasn’t barred me from writing informational posts.
So then why…? What’s the block?
I sat with this question, and one of the most immediate answers to come to mind was: “because you value your privacy”. I thought about this answer, and it wasn’t exactly the reason why either.
While true that I value my privacy, I don’t mind sharing certain things with my friends… that is, the few I still have that haven’t lost interest or think I’m too boring.
But then again, why do I feel like I can’t sustain friendships? And why do I just believe they’re destined to fail? Even if it isn’t related to my site, it’s not a healthy belief overall… so why do I believe that?
“Because you never fit in. You do not belong.”
“Why Don’t I Belong?”
That’s true. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Anywhere. I’ve always clammed up in social settings: around family, at work, at school, around anyone I’m just not comfortable around. I’ve always just felt like an outcast; Forever the black sheep of any gathering.
And in my experience, it never felt like anyone has ever really fully cared to stick with me. People have only ever been around for a season. I’ve usually felt like I had to initiate conversations. To where if I don’t put effort into a connection, it just falls away.
People don’t check back with me. People don’t ask about how I’m doing. People don’t really invite me to do things. It’s as though if I don’t offer some form of entertainment or value, people lose interest in me.
Outside of gaming, I’ve never shared the same interests as family. I’ve been rejected by people who share my personality type. Whatever form of tribe it is, I’ve always been just on the outskirts. And if that’s the case, why keep bothering people? Why be the person who fails to learn when they’re not wanted?
Because of that, I can’t trust anyone to like me for me. I can’t be likeable. I’ve tried, again, and again, and again, but it always ends the same. People don’t like me. So why would it be different here, on this site? Why would anyone ever care what I think?
Why can’t I ever just belong anywhere?
“Because you’re too different. No one can get close.”
“No one can relate to you.”
Why Aren’t I Relatable?
No. I knew this answer. I can sum it up in one word I learned not too long ago. I’m contrarian in nature.
When it comes down to it, I really don’t enjoy the things most people seem to enjoy. And it’s not in a “rebel without a cause” way. There’s always a reason why. Here’s just a few examples of what I mean; Things I never dared tell anyone out of fear of rejection:
Sports – I’ve never really enjoyed watching sports. I’ve seen far too much division and conflict just because of opposing teams. I could see maybe rooting for your home team out of a feeling of kinship, but I’ve never felt at home in the first place, either. I’m not the outdoorsy type and would prefer something less confrontational.
TV/Movies – I don’t mind the occasional lighthearted feature, but I cannot sit through a barrage of programming without feeling antsy. I’d rather do something than to just sit. Growing up in an environment where people would binge TV all day, forbid interruptions during any scene, and then talk all through commercial break — leaving me to bide my tongue indefinitely — I admit I may even have some resentment to watching just for the sake of watching.
Food – I’ve always had issues with food. I’ve never been adventurous in my palate, and after a traumatic experience in my youth, that palate has simply not expanded. Then in recent years, it seems I developed an intolerance to a comfort food?? Any conversation about food feels like playing a game of Minesweeper, and I’ve never won a game of Minesweeper…
Celebrity Culture – I’ve genuinely never understood it. And while I’m sure my experiences above with media contribute to this somewhat, I’ve just never been able to separate a character from the actor or actress playing them. The chances I’d meet a celebrity are already low enough, and honestly, I can’t pay attention to what someone famous did or is doing when for most of my life, I’ve always felt like things were falling apart. Some far off superstar isn’t going to fix my problems, and I haven’t been able to relate, so I have to focus on my own life, as unpleasant and difficult as it is…
Technology – I can laugh about this one. I’ve always been extremely hesitant to adopt the latest technologies. Before cell phones were as widespread as they are now, I would rather call and speak with someone on the phone than text. Even if it meant calling a home phone and waiting for the intended party to hop on the call and answer. When video chats become the next biggest thing, I’d rather text. And when social media came about, I really just didn’t get it. Not everything needed to be shared, did it? And to whom, exactly?
You see, whatever people would usually want to talk about, I felt the opposite. And it wasn’t by design. Can I blame anyone then for not feeling like they can connect, if I can’t even carry a conversation without wincing internally?
And yet, it always felt like the same occurred in reverse:
For example, I originally disliked, then came to really appreciate Pokémon. The TV series was a bit cringey for my tastes, but the video games? I liked finding the myriad creatures, learning the type matchups, interpreting said matchups in a logical way, and even enjoyed the interconnectivity and events the series had to offer.
I loved that every Pokémon caught is timestamped, and for the better portion of a decade and a half, you could transfer any Pokémon from the prior generation games, to the next, and take all of your favorites with you to the next adventure. It’s something I don’t think very many games, if any, even consider doing.
And yet, I’ve learned from experience not to express my interest in it. I’d hear disparaging comments about how “childish” and stupid the game is, even amongst my family. Or shock about how I’m still playing the series, despite the latest trendy, rave-reviewed game existing. Over time, I’ve come to associate my outward enjoyment of the series as something others will reject.
The same has happened for other hobbies too. The few times I’ve brought up my other interests, people don’t talk about it. There’s no follow-up questions, or related experiences, or any apparent interest. Like my interests just aren’t good enough to talk about. Or that I’m just too weird for others. So over time, I avoided mentioning my interests at any and every chance the opportunity presented itself.
I’ve then come to associate my interests as being invalid, usually because it feels like they aren’t en vogue. So is it any surprise then, that I don’t feel like I can connect to others, either? And if it’s happened in my own life, why would I feel safe or confident in talking about or expressing those same interests on my site? (Bingo! That’s the reason.)
Even still, while that solved the dilemma I had with my site, it didn’t resolve the inner turmoil I had with my life itself… years of frustration and angst left their mark, and I needed more answers.
“What is wrong with me?? Why can’t I believe in myself?”
“Why do I still not feel good enough to achieve my goals?”
And just like that, something clicked. I didn’t need my inner critic for this one.
Why Am I Not Good Enough?
I’ve… said this before. About other issues I’ve experienced. That’s the familiar thread that binds all this suffering together: the belief that I’m not good enough.
And well, why would I be? Why would I feel good enough if everything keeps reinforcing the belief that I inherently am not good enough?
I realized that with every apparent rejection, these negative experiences codified themselves into my psyche as fact:
“My interests aren’t worthwhile, and aren’t good enough for others.”
“I’m not good enough to make lasting connection.”
“I’m not good enough to belong anywhere.“
And with each evolving iteration of this belief, it fed upon itself and became a self-fulfilling prophecy:
“Why would I bother talking about myself or my interests if people reject them? I can’t connect to people, that’s why I don’t belong. And because I feel shunned by the world, there’s something wrong with me. There must be something wrong with me. I can’t connect to other people because I can’t be liked…” And on and on the spiral goes.
As my mind kept coming up with explanations to logic away the feelings, the underlying why became tangled up in it; buried and hidden into obscurity. And when I finally recognized just how matted and tangled this block is, years later, I couldn’t understand why I felt this way without asking, well, “why?”
And looking back, this was the 4th time my issues were some derivative form of “Not good enough”:
“I can’t finish my posts, I feel like an imposter.“
“I’m not good enough to sustain interest or connection.“
“I am not worthy to follow my dreams, but I believe others can. They shouldn’t feel like I do.”
“I am innately not good enough. For anything.“ <--- We are here.
And just like any knot, I couldn’t straighten out why I felt this way until I found the root.
But there’s one last piece of the puzzle: finding out when this belief was originally established.
While it helps to see why we feel the ways we do, locating the earliest point we can remember feeling like this is crucial, so we can then determine if the root cause is even relevant or not, or if things have changed in our lives to make those beliefs untrue. But that is a topic for another day, and another post.
So if you’ve ever felt stuck like this, as I have, and you can’t place a finger as to why, dig deep and ask yourself, “why?”
Whatever the answer is, keep asking yourself why. Go down as far as you can. Confront that inner critic every step of the way.
Sometimes you’ll feel like you have the right answer, but after reflection, you’ll feel there’s still more layers to dig through. That’s ok. My last few posts like this have been me steadily questioning my own answers, and exploring what comes up.
And if you can’t find your “why” on your own, seek guidance. A trained therapist or trusted counselor can help you to find the blind spots together.
Until next time,
– The Candid Gamer
