The following post is different from what I normally share here. Typically, my posts aim to inform. Sometimes, to entertain. But this one has no knowledge to impart, or entertainment to enjoy (well, not primarily).
There will be no next steps, no requests for discussion, no call to action, nor any of the usual attempts to add value or seek validation.
No, for once, I’m simply giving myself the space to fully express the challenges I’m facing. To be honest in ways that scare me, and yet, need to be addressed if I am to overcome the blockages holding me back.
We’ll refer to two of these such afflictions as The 1-Ply, and The Positivity Paradox.
The 1-Ply
However you refer to bathroom paper, we are indeed talking about those flushable square sheets. But this isn’t about the humble commode, any actions therein, or toilet paper itself (been there, done that, wrote about it for Astral Chain). No, we’re using these little squares as an analogy for confidence. Specifically, my confidence.
You see, despite all of my grand ideas, flowing prose, and flair for the dramatic, I have very low confidence in myself. How low, you ask? Well, have I got the experiment for you!
The next time you go to a bathroom, just rip a single square off a roll of paper. If it has multiple plies (layers), try to separate the layers as best you can. When done correctly, you should have just a single, translucent square.
Next, hold the square at the top, and simply poke the paper with a finger; Not so hard that you intend to destroy it, but slowly, and just firm enough to make the paper bend.
If you’re following along, you’ll likely notice the paper has a small tear in it. Without really trying, and with the smallest force, the paper rips with ease. That’s how fragile my confidence and self-esteem are. I’d say it’s paper thin, but most paper doesn’t break this easily…
It doesn’t even have to be malicious. If I’m around friends or family and they happen to mention other gaming sites, or if I happen to see someone else doing something I would want to do, I deflate, instantly.
It’s like a subtle reminder that I’m not good enough. That, at best, I am an impostor, and at worst, utterly incapable of achieving anything of substance, nor to live a life of mere comfort.
I’m not yet certain why I feel this way, but I feel it nonetheless. And it’s always been a constant undercurrent in anything that wasn’t academic in nature. I would always question my skills and value in regards to new roles or projects:
“Surely, they can’t want me, right? I’ll probably mess something up. I’m certain someone else is more qualified!”
Which brings me to the Positivity Paradox.
The Positivity Paradox
Despite having a cripplingly low sense of self-esteem, there’s two things I have reliably excelled in: faking optimism, and believing in the potential of others.
As anyone I’ve talked with can attest, on the surface, I would seem to be a happy-go-lucky, forever hopeful, lighthearted individual. That no matter what happens, I’ll always have a kind word to say, and would always try to help where I can.
While there is truth to the latter half of that observation, (I do like to help out when I can, as well as encourage others!) Everything else is just a mask. A façade. A persona. In truth, I tend more often than not to be anxious. Pessimistic, even. Most days, I’m constantly overwhelmed, and usually expecting the worst-case scenario in most situations.
And yet, when it comes to the lives and circumstances of others, I can’t help but to cheer them on and wish them nothing but the best. At least they seem to be so confident and secure with their life in ways I myself am not.
Nobody should have to feel as hopeless as I do. Therefore, I encourage, if only to help people avoid the inner turmoil I myself struggle to overcome. To succeed in the areas of life where I fail.
Nobody should have to suffer through the paralyzing self-doubt that has been holding me back every step of the way. And so I choose to see the best in others, believing in their visions and aspirations, yet all the while, feeling mine are just too difficult, if not impossible to attain.
Thus lies the heart of the matter: For all the confidence I have in others, I lack that same confidence in my own self and life. I know that I have the potential, but my own sense of self and worth has been so warped over the years, that I simply don’t feel that I’m good enough to make my dreams a reality.
I’m not loud and boisterous, as so many personalities seem to be on YouTube; I’m more calm and collected — insightful, yet soft-spoken. I’m no DIY prodigy, nor do I have any similar talents to captivate or command the attention of others.
I’m not a master web developer or designer, and certainly not a professional, competitive gamer. (At least, not that I’m aware of.) And it stings when I hear about the successes of people doing the things I want to do, as it further cements the belief that I’m not qualified enough to do the same.
As of now, all I have is myself. Myself, my words, and pieces of a vision that I’m not sure how to assemble. Pieces that have lay dormant for too many years.
Most days, I wonder if it’s enough. If people would really care about what I have to offer, and if I can even sustain interest in anything long-term. Some days, I feel a fleeting spark of hope, and take a step forward. But more often than not, I get in my head and tell myself that I can’t; That I’m not enough, as the world outpaces me.
And so I languish; Watching in listless envy as others follow their dreams, while silently agonizing over a life that I desperately crave, but feel is denied to me. Adrift in the void, I sink into the depths.
When the occasional helping hand offers that same encouragement and grace back to myself, I’ve found that I’ve sunk too far down for their words for reach me.
Such is the nature of the Positivity Paradox.
It goes out, but never back in.
