Here we are at last. The end of my journey of self-reflection leads to this. I’ve beared my shadows, faced my demons, and untangled the deeply tangled knot that previously kept me stuck in a loop of self-deprecation.
But I realize now that this wasn’t just a journey of self-reflection, but a journey of self-acceptance as well. There is a special sort of closure in revisiting my past, and by loosing it, by externalizing it, it’s helped me to see that I’m not the problem, all the while, giving me far better insights as to what the problem actually is.
And honestly, half the healing alone is in learning that nothing about me is really broken, and that I needed to stop identifying as the problem.
Validation is one half of this critical realization, while research and understanding has been the other. Self-reflection, however, was the vehicle that bridged the gap between those two points, and I am very grateful to have all three assist me in my personal healing and growth.
So, to wrap up this journey with a much needed positive counterpoint, I’ll be (re-)defining who I am.
Who I Was
Previously, if you were to ask me who I am, I couldn’t really give you an answer. I didn’t even know, myself, let alone, know myself. But if you were to ask me to look critically, or share what my inner critic thinks, it’d probably sound something like this:
My name is Candid. And to be quite honest, I’ve never really felt special or compelling of a person to be around… part of me wonders if anyone will even read this, and even if, by chance, you find this relatable or useful, it still wouldn’t change the fact I’m just inherently unlikeable. Nobody likes me. And don’t ask me about my past…
My painful past is my darkness. It is a deep, haunting, all-consuming void that nobody should ever know. Because of it, I am an outcast; an outlier. I am the rejected. Not fit to belong anywhere, nor to hope for better days.
The shadows cast by that past have left an indelible mark across many aspects of my life, and they bind me to immobility. The more distance I can put between myself and it, the better, but even then, everything always just feels so far out of reach… nothing I do ever feels good enough, and I fear it never will be.
Personally, I don’t feel that I can truly connect to anyone. No matter how many times I try, it never seems to work out. And it’s not without reason…
I don’t care for sports, I don’t enjoy movies or TV shows, I don’t “meme”, and talking about food is a no-go. The things that I do like tend not to be popular or mainstream. I’m just too eccentric to be accepted by others. Maybe it’s just for the best that I stay alone…
It’s also easy to make me feel small. To feel inferior. Everyone else in this world is just far more talented and successful and likeable than I. While I’m proud to see the growth and achievements of those around me, I can’t help but to feel talentless every time people succeed where I struggle. To see people live their dreams, while I feel my own are unattainable. Things just don’t work out for me.
Deep down, while I hate to admit it, I had given up hope for myself long ago. I’m tired of feeling worthless, hopeless, and denied from all of the good in life. But I see no way out. Who I am doesn’t seem to matter, and I’m just not good enough in every way. I stay lost in thoughts, all alone. And I suppose I have to make my peace with it.
This is who I was: rife and riddled with pain and insecurities. Self-loathing is all I knew… and the only “truth” I saw of myself. I never truly saw my worth, and always felt that I needed to find it outside of me. But it’s time for that to change. The time has come at last to rediscover who I am.
Who I Am
Call me Candid.
All my life, I had seen my past as a condemnation. I believed that I was my pain, and my trauma. That the hand I was dealt was permanent, and every negative event from then on only served to confirm the bleakness of my existence. To wear rejection and isolation as a distorted badge of honor. As a shield.
I see now that my past is my prologue: while it has unmistakable impressions and repercussions on my life and who I am today, it does not define me or shape me. I am more than my past, and greater than the sum of my parts. I am resilient. See my truth, not my pain.
Far too long have I based my worth on how others see me. I craved the validation and acceptance of others, but deep down, I never truly accepted myself. I felt that I was too different to be liked, and each rejection only cemented that false belief. I learned there is a specific word for my personality, and with that discovery, a sense of normalcy and relief:
I am innately contrarian, not because of any defect or personality flaw, but simply because my preferences are my own. And there’s nothing wrong with that. My likes and dislikes are just as valid as anyone else’s. I am unique, and I will not let anyone shame me for being my authentic self.
Comparison is no longer my defining virtue — I had believed my value was based solely on just how much better I could do things than others. This was a mistake.
By aiming to hit an ever-changing target, I drove myself to madness, letting each failure adversely define who I am at my core. I am more than my work, and my value is intrinsic. I am enough, exactly as I am.
At my core, I am multidimensional. I am creative and wise. A weaver of words and wisdom; perfectly equipped to balance heart and mind in the works I produce, in ways that only I can.
I am driven and determined. When I overcome my fears and resistances, I do not rest until I achieve the things I set out to do. My focus does not wane, and my mind does not falter.
I am compassionate and loving. I try to see the best in everyone, and support those who need it with my words and actions. I always have been, it is simply second nature to me.
I am love at my core, but I will no longer give to the point of self-sacrifice. I am just as deserving of all the support and care that I give to others. I am just as deserving to go after my dreams, and just as capable as anyone else to live the life I desire. I do not need to martyr myself just to have the basics in my life.
I am a writer, and I am a gamer. I am a musician, and I am an artist. I am a blogger, and I am a student of this experience we call life, always looking to improve the skills I have, and always ready to learn about myself.
I am all of this, and somuch more. Words alone do not do the complexity of my being justice. I was never meant to be just one thing, but every thing I feel in my heart and soul. I am limitless.
I now know my worth. I refuse to be my worst enemy for one moment longer.
No longer shall I dine upon the feast of futility. No more shall I seduce myself with the sweet whispers of worthlessness. For not one second longer shall I lend an ear to those who would denigrate me, nor shall I suffer their company, be they blood or bond.
I walk the road to dawn. I choose to see myself for who I am, right now, instead of where I merely want to be. To accept myself and the scattered parts I’ve cast aside to shadow. To truly stare into the darkness of my pain and not look away. To follow this path until I feel whole again to stand in my light. This is the road I’ve taken. Hear it roar.
I am Candid.
This is who I am.
